Date: 3rd April 2011 at 4:07am
Written by:
Red devils

More than just a nickname- an actual fact.

Wayne Rooney’s outburst at Upton Park, which has already caused gun crime to increase in the inner cities by 97%, is yet another example of how Manchester United are responsible for the ills of the world and are slowly but surely destroying not just football but the entire fabric of our society.

Were it not for the fantastic, objective and well-informed journalism we are privy to in this country we may never have realised the full extent of wicked, malicious, loathsome actions the club has both perpetrated and caused.

Here at Redflagflyinghigh, we feel it’s only right to highlight the evils that are a result of Manchester United a club so despicable, they’re the reason, little baby orphans around the world won’t be sleeping tonight.

1. The Red Devils. This isn’t a nickname given by owners or directors, this is an actual name handed down by Beelzebub himself to his agents of evil. It speaks volumes about the pure arrogance of the club that they flaunt their ties to Satan with such crassness.

2. Manchester United¬† live near Old Trafford. If you rearrange this statement you get the sentence Manchester United n Old Trafford are evil. Okay so the statement may not be true because United’s ground is in Old Trafford not near it, but the facts are there for all to see.

3. Name United’s three best defenders of the Premier League era. Gary Pallister? Jaap Stam? Wes Brown? What number did they all wear? Six! 666=the sign of the devil. Need I say more.

4. Since 1993, when United’s dominance began, teenage pregnancies, poverty, and crime have all increased. Not to mention there’s been a global economic downturn, untold disasters and Loose Women on the television. A coincidence? I think not.

5. Sir Alex Ferguson’s decision to refuse to speak to the BBC and the relative lack of input from Mickey Phelan means that Mark Lawrenson and Gary Lineker are forced to speak a bit more on Match of the Day which has caused an increase in suicides and depression.

6. Because of players like Nani, Ronaldo and Rooney diving, English football has been ruined beyond repair as thousands of children now throw themselves to the floor as soon as they get the ball. If it wasn’t for men such as Shearer, Drogba and Jeffers, then all hope would be lost.

7. Harold Shipman, Peter Sutcliffe and Brian Kilcline all had beards, and there are lads with beards who sit near Sir Alex Ferguson.¬† Just a thought……

8. Despite sterling efforts from the police forces of Turkey, France, Italy, Russia, Spain and practically every other European nation in provoking United fans and treating them like animals, they’ve not risen to the bait. This has made it impossible for UEFA to ban English clubs which means yet again we’re left with three Premier League teams in the latter stages of the Champions League, which is unfair, selfish and disgraceful.

9. Unemployment in Liverpool has always been at ridiculously high levels but at least thanks to their teams success in the 70’s and 80’s it meant scousers had something to be happy about. Now what have they got? Even Brookside’s been cancelled.

10. How many trophies have United won under Sir Alex Ferguson? 35. Is it a coincidence that The Reds happen to win the exact same amount of silverware, as the number of years their neighbours have been without any? No. It’s another example of the forces of evil in full effect.

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