Five Things We Learned From The Manchester Derby – By Mike Bitterblue

This week in an act of unbridled benevolence we’ve allowed fictional City fan Mike Bitterblue to write our ‘Five Things We Learned’ analysis. Any similarities to former City players who occasionally pundit on Sky is totally coincidental- in the interests of libel anyway.

Mike: Glad to have the opportunity to set the record straight on a few things regarding the Manchester derby, in fact it shouldn’t even be called that as United aren’t even from Manchester- they’re from Trafford, which isn’t technically Manchester, I don’t care if they originated only a stones throw from where Eastlands is now!

Anyway after yet another stuffy, flukey, ref-aided United victory, where City dominated posession -both before and after the final whistle- just not during the game, people need to know that you may have won the battle but you’ll lose the war. So what did we learn from City’s moral victory on Saturday other than Dzeko is the complete centre forward who did not make a complete ass of himself celebrating a goal which he didn’t even score?

1. Wayne Rooney is crap. That lucky overhead kick was a complete fluke, if Tevez had have been in that position he’d have scored two goals, Rooney’s rubbish ,we never wanted him anyway, so what if he’s scored three goals in three games now, he’s still past it. Rooney’s not fit to lace Jo’s boots, now there’s a real centre forward.

Silva’s goal was technically better than Rooney’s because Rooney had the advantage of knowing what he was doing while Silva scored without knowing anything about it, which takes a certain special type of player.

2. John O’Shea is a complete fraud. As soon as we heard that O’Shea was starting, we were jumping for joy at Wastelands, especially Tevez, who for some reason stopped shaking and murmuring ‘Rafael, please no.’ So what on earth was he doing having a good game? That’s unfair, everyone knows O’Shea’s supposed to be an error-prone weak link in United’s defence, yet on Saturday he was almost Richard Edghill-esque in his brilliance.

You Reds, really are an unsporting lot, at least when we play Kolarov he show’s he can’t defend for toffeee, consistently. O’Shea will proabably be a waste of space for the rest of the season, yet against us he was immense.

3. United should keep playing 4-5-1 against big teams- that way you might lose a few. Leaving out Berbatov and packing the midfield almost played right into our hands. As soon as we saw you were lowering yourselves to our negative level it gave us a massive boost.

Why Alex Ferguson – I refuse to call him Sir until they knight Howard Kendall- insists on dropping your top goalscorer for the big games is beyond me, but one thing’s for sure, if he keeps doing it, sooner or later you’ll get caught out.

The only reason the mighty City weren’t able to take advantage of the situation is due to poor refereeing and an injury to Tevez’s snood.

4. That Smalling fella is pants. Keeping Tevez quiet, and looking comfortable on the ball is all well and good but let me ask you this did he score? No. Well there you go then talk about over-rated. You had your trousers pulled down paying only £16 million less than we did for Lescott, for Smalling. All the tackles, won headers and the way he was willing to pick out passes aside, Smalling was a disgrace.

5. United’s strength in depth is a load of drivel. Looking at the two benches on Saturday, brought a smile to my face- well less of a frown anyway. We had the mighty Dzeko, Gary Coleman and Patrick Vieira who’s actually getting better with age, that’s why we only play him in the important games, like the Europa -which everyone know’s is actually better than the Champion’s League because it’s fairer as it allows crap teams to enter.

One look at the United bench had me p*ssing my sides. Berbatov- 19 goals but still a waste of money- shouldv’e gone for Adebayor now he is a player, Chicharito -a disgrace all of his 11 United goals this season have been flukes, he’s a poor man’s Balotteli now there is a player, loves his club, respects the manager and the fans and he never gets injured.

As for the rest Rafael, well he’s nothing- even if Tevez told me not to upset him, I don’t care. Carrick? Ha ha, come back when you’ve won a trophy son ditto Wes Brown.

As for Owen i’d never even heard of him until he scored that disgraceful winner last year- in the 123rd minute of added time, we were robbed that day just like we were yesterday, just you wait we’ll be back, Fergie’s already looking under his shoe, I mean over his shoulder, another £300 million investment and we’ll be there,  the glory days will return, we used to batter United week in week out, I don’t care what the results were we still won the moral victory, oh and then there was the five -one what a game, that showed the world who was the best team, so what if Hughes’s goal was the only one anyone remembers, we did the double over you in 2008 and what did you win that season?

You’re nothing, City are a very big club, a massive club, we’re on the verge of greatness, all United fans are glory hunters anyway, not like us lot, we travel from Stockport every week to watch boring sh*te, now that’s what being a real fans is all about, Giggs was actually our player at first, you just nicked him off us…………

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