Although the economic recession may be coming to an end it’s still being felt by many including us here at Redflagflyinghigh.
With rumours that Carlos Ancelotti may be shown the exit door in the Summer we thought it would be a good idea to throw our hat into the ring. Here’s a copy of the email we sent to the Chelsea owner.
Dear Mr. Abramovich,
I understand that you may have a vacancy at your football club in the Summer for the position of first team head coach.
I would like to offer my services for the position, as I am confident that I can bring something new interesting and innovative to your club.
First of all let me explain why I think I’m qualified for the position. I recently had a go at Championship Manager 2011 playing as the Chelsea boss where after 2 seasons I won not only the League Cup but also the Champion’s League and the Premier League title! I’m sure you’ll agree this cannot be ignored.
I also started a five a side team which plays every Tuesday at the Powerleague and although we’ve yet to win a game this season we did manage to get on the score sheet in our last match so things are improving.
Secondly as a United fan I wouldn’t let sentiment affect my decision making. I’m fully prepared to get rid of some of the deadwood in the team. John Obi Mikel, Paulo Ferreira, Salomon Kalou and Jose Boswinga would all be shown the exit door with a minimum of fuss in fact I’d go one further and say I’d actually take great pleasure in removing them from the club.
I also have a mate who runs Irlam F.C who says he’s willing to take Fernando Torres on loan until the end of the season. Obviously he’ll have to start in the reserves but if he shines there could even be a permanent move on the horizon. My cousin works with the local theatre group and she’s assured me they could give Didier Drogba a role in the Summer panto.
Jose Mourinho achieved success at Chelsea by creating a ‘siege mentality’ of ‘the club against the world’. I’d actually take this one step further by physically attacking journalists at press conferences, making incendiary comments about opposition managers and wearing inflammatory t-shirts for match days.
I am also first aid trained so could combine the managers job with that of physio thereby saving you some much needed cash, especially in the light of the £50 million you’ve just wasted.
When it comes to handling some of your players’ egos I feel I have the perfect attitude and experience for the job having babysat my mates two year old son on several occasions not to mention watching four episodes of Super Nanny.
With the media frenzy surrounding footballers and prostitutes, I’d actually advocate a policy of employing our own ‘in house hookers’ who would work exclusively with players from the club and be forced to sign confidentiality agreements.
The subject of assistant was obviously a thorny issue this season with the departure of Ray Wilkins bringing a lot of negative publicity. I’d actually reinstate Wilkins as his media career has made him such a laughing stock in such a short space of time I’m confident he would be willing to rejoin the club for less than half his previous wage, he could also concentrate on coaching the team while I focus on the important issues such as travel arrangements for away games and which meals will be served at the training ground.
In terms of my demands I think you’ll find there more than reasonable. As I’ve spent three years in London while studying, I feel I could fit in well once more and would be more than willing to spend at least match days and the day before in the capital at a Premier Inn near the ground. In terms of day to day training I’d simply email in my ideas as I also think a certain level of aloofness helps stop players from treating you with contempt.
For my salary, I understand the minimum wage is around £6 per hour so around 50p more an hour seems reasonable plus a £50 win bonus and a extra £75 for any trophies won. I also expect to be reimbursed for travel costs so will send you my petrol receipts each week.
Let me know if you have any further questions.