Date: 9th October 2012 at 7:51pm
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Top bit of "bants" between two players who've been "badly advised"

Top bit of "bants" between two players who've been "badly advised"

The days of “over the moon” and “we’ll take each game as it comes” being the staple of every football interview are long gone, it seems nowadays there’s an entire lexicon devoted to our beautiful game. I’m not just talking about “offside rule” or “racism” I’m referring to the entire language that seems to have developed over the past few years and now become not almost exclusive to football speak but seemingly compulsory.

The trouble is many of these terms are now so overused that like the word “important” during a Roberto Mancini interview they’ve lost their meaning and in many cases evolved into an antonym of themselves. Here’s ten terms -in no particular order- that need discarding onto the scrapheap as soon as humanly possible.

1. “Badly-advised” For reasons known only to the collective media, footballers are now exonerated from any form of accountability for their actions with this ridiculous term. It’s the sort of excuse you’d associate with the leader of the Third Riech. You don’t need advice to act like a decent human being but for some reason it seems footballers do. He cheated on his wife? Badly-advised. Tweeted something stupid and offensive? Badly-advised. He attacked a woman? Badly-advised. We’ve found six bodies buried in his garden? Badly-advised.

2. “Super-injunction” I was going to write about super-injunctions but a person I can’t name took out a super-injunction on me talking about the super-injunction I can no longer speak about. Exactly what is the point to super-injunctions in the modern day of twitter and facebook? I have no idea but lately the term seems to be joining the cast array of legal jargon that’s becoming exclusive to football.

3.  “Tribalism” What a wonderful word that saves you the time of saying “defending our racist player simply because he’s our player” or “ignoring the racism at our own club or amongst our own fans to focus on another team’s because we hate them.” Tribalism has reared it’s head in the wake of the Suarez/Terry affairs and is a convenient way of describing an abandoning of morals or a self-righteous selective attitude to issues that have been around since prostitution.

4. “Simulation” This term was actually first used on ‘Boston Goals’ on Soccer AM- years ago when it used to be funny. Somehow though rather than remain a jokey Americanised version of ‘diving’ it’s actually the ‘official’ term now. Perhaps we can call saves “upper body blocks over the goalbag” or throw-ins “hand assisted reintroductions of ball play.” Jesus wept.

5. “Philosophy” Forget Plato or Descartes the real ‘philosphers’ nowadays are the likes of Brendan Rodgers and Owen Coyle. Philosophy seems to be a term used for managers who’ve absolutely no plan B when their team can’t win but want to maintain an air of belief in both themselves and their side. Passing a football about a lot isnt really a philosophy, if it was they’d be teaching the works of Sir Matt Busby alonsgide those of Aristotle. Coyle’s ‘philosophy’ has taken him to the job centre, will Rodgers’ do the same?

6. “Banter” I’ve used the term ‘banter’ and never had a problem with it until it was hijacked by offensive cretins who wished to mask their disgusting behaviour with a face of ‘comedy.’ Banter is also an excuse for those with less braincells than pubes to make comments they can neither explain or remember. If you use the term banter give yourself a slap, preferably before removing yourself from twitter.

7. “Brand” You see that footballer who’s made seven first team appearances? Yes the one who’s still in his teens wearing white boots, yes him with the sleeve tattoo. He’s brought out a ‘brand’ of himself. No I’ve no idea what the f*** that means either but something tells me he should be spending more time on practising using his weaker foot.

8. “The Project” Footballers no longer sign for clubs or play for teams, it’s now fashionable to “join the project” which is a euphemism for saying “I got offered more money to come to this club with no real history or large fan base.” If your latest signing talks about “the project” expect your season ticket prices to go up.

9. “Pass percentage” I’ve done it, we all have, resorted to google to prove a point and thrown a “pass percentage” back at someone’s face. If you’re an old man like me -born in the 1980s you’ll remember the good old days when people had to actually watch a game of football to learn whether someone played well. Not any more as “pass percentage” stats seem to be thrown about by people who’ve not even seen the game. Like alcohol used in the right amount “pass percentage” can be useful but when overused they’re simply annoying and detract from any form of objective discussion of a player’s performance.

10. “We’ll sing/chant/score/win when we want” Okay it’s a chant rather than a ‘term’ but it’s my list and I’ll have what I want on it, in fact “I’ll write what I…” sorry, I digress, yes I’ve sung the “we’ll do what we want” chant but I’ve learned the error of my ways as this erroneous chant has been bastardised around the country to such a point that we’re now hearing teams fighting relegation singing “we’ll score when we want” after hitting three at home. Time to get rid of an any variation of this bag of toss.

Have a missed any out? Feel free to comment suggest and abuse below:

Follow me on twitter for a ‘banter’ free zone @RFFH


2 responses to “Top Ten “Football Terms” That Need Throwing In The Bin”

  1. Jd says:

    Only yesterday I was “moaning” about the chanting great shout, I hate that

  2. NathonW says: