Player Ratings: United v Villa: Lucky Reds Scrape Win

As the entire Redflagflyinghigh team were out celebrating title number 20 all night, occasional contributor and full time City fan Mike Bitterblue volunteered to do tonight’s ratings for us.

David De Gea: Still hasn’t learnt how to handle crosses needs to put on five stone, maybe some donuts will help arf. 3

Rafael: Lacks confidence, gets a nosebleed if he gets past the halfway line, also bottles it from challenges. Weak and feeble. 2

Phil Jones: Another bottler, never willing to put himself in a challenge, shocking that he’s now got as many title winning medals as practically the entire City team, except Tevez of course. 4

Jonny Evans: Lacks composure, can’t read the game is awful in the air and looks like he’s pulling a fridge. Best thing he’s ever done is getting sent off in the 6-1. Those were the days….sigh. 3

Patrice Evra: Should’ve been banned for life for taking the mick out of that lovely Uruguayan with his insensitive bite joke, vulgar cretin who lacks the class of the man who racially abused him. 3

Michael Carrick: Has he ever had a good game? If so I’ve yet to witness it, how many times does he give the ball away? 5

Wayne Rooney: Fat scouser not fit to lace Sergio’s boots, putting him in midfield only shows that United are desperate for a Yaya type general. Lucky pass for RVP’s second. 4

Shinji Kagawa; Who? Never heard of him before he joined United, don’t care if he was good for Dortmund, I’d never heard of them till this season… 5

Ryan Giggs: When are people going to realise this man simply isn’t a footballer and never will be, take my word he won’t amount to anything. 3

Antonio Valencia: Dirty, agressive cheating bastard that’s a disgrace to everything that is pure and wonderful about the game. 3

Robin Van Persie: Awful signing, terrible performance couldn’t finish his dinner let alone a chance glad he chose the Rags over City.

Welbeck on for Rooney: I saw him on Britain’s Got Talent this weekend at least it looked like him, he should give that a go as he’s useless at association football. 2