Date: 8th March 2014 at 11:24am
Written by:
"If you all hate Moyes clap your hands.."

“If you all hate Moyes clap your hands..”

Hi David,

Thank you so much for your letter. .

It confirms to me that your bleak, charmless, aggressive on-screen (and print and in person) persona is, indeed, a smokescreen.

Your words (which you have definitely written) give us an insight into the real you. A vulnerable, tender man, seeking patience and forgiveness. It brings to mind a Guantanamo detainee telling his wardens, ‘You are really good wardens, so can we please not do waterboarding today’.

The idea of ‘sticking together’ you propose is truly admirable. Even though it is an affirmation of Sir Alex Ferguson’s plea last season (before he properly saw you manage), it will doubtlessly get some people off your back, especially those who wear green and gold scarves but still hand over their ticket money to Malcolm and Sons.

The decision to superficially flatter your club’s supporters will also definitely hit home. I think that from now on, fans should actually celebrate goals conceded as well as goals scored, so nobody’s feelings get hurt and team confidence doesn’t get affected. We all know just how many goals we have conceded this season under your leadership.

Most fans agree with you that we will see ‘great winning sides’ at Old Trafford once more. Manchester City and Liverpool come here later in the season, so that will give us plenty to ‘shout about’.

Rest assured David, our belief in you is unwavering. We will stand beside you, just as George Best stood by the bar, drinking himself to death whilst recounting tales of former glory.

Speak soon,

A United Fan x