Here it is in full and in case of libel we are NOT claiming that this is real in any way:
To all members of the F.A,
Comrades!! Excellent work on the Wayne Rooney charge, thank god the media were on board and before you ask complimentary tickets have been issued to all the relevant journalists, with a special bouquet of tulips for Patrick Collins of The Mail.
However despite this sterling work we’ve still not been doing enough of late to ensure that the evil empire that is Manchester United fail to win any more trophies. Banning Ferguson was a step in the right direction but as I said in my previous email a touchline ban was not enough! I wanted him prevented from team talks and tactical decisions but forced to talk to my mate Gary at the BBC, who in case anyone doesn’t know, was never booked in over 15 years as a professional footballer and is one of the loveliest men you could ever wish to meet. He’s also an excellent cook and his Beef Bourguignon is quite simply to die for.
I feel that ever since the whole Eric Cantona debacle we’ve not fully utilised the power at our disposal to truly crush the Mancunian cretins. The day that Gallic thug decided to stay in the country after assaulting that poor, lovely family man who’d only ran down three flights of stairs at Selhurst Park to tell Cantona to wear a coat on the way home as there was a nip in the air, was a sad day for our office.
We failed to stop United then, by not banning Cantona for the rest of his natural life and we’ve failed ever since to stop the Red machine from running over everything that is sweet and holy in our game.
Rio Ferdinand was a prime example. How did we only ban him for eight months and £50,000 fine? I don’t care if Manchester City’s Christian Negouia committed the same offence at the same time and only got a £2000 fine and no ban, we’re talking about crushing the red infadels here, not tickling them!
The Patrice Evra case is one I want you to use as an example of how we can ensure Manchester United face every handicap possible. For those who didn’t see the video I posted on facebook, Evra was warming down after the mighty, wonderful Chelsea had dished out a deserved beating to the rags, when one of our agents attacked him, posing as a groundsman. We were actually able to ban Evra for five games! lmao! That’s the sort of tricks I’m talking about, the rags may sing “we’re Man United, we’ll do what we want!” But the truth is we’re the FA we’ll do what we f*cking want!- or should that be “what f*cking what” we want? lol!
The Evra case was a small oasis in a desert of rubbish however as no matter what the efforts of agents Atkinson and Dean, ‘manure’ – I do love that one- are still on course for their 19th title 🙁
Leader Blatter has been on the phone practically daily cursing us for not doing more and has made no secret of the fact that the reason we failed to get any votes for our World Cup bid, was because to quote: “They’ll be an Only Way is Essex feature film starring Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp before I see a World Cup game played at Old Trafford!” He was so incensed by our lack of efforts he’s even visiting here today.
It’s not all doom and gloom though as I’ve had a word with the chaps at the PFA and been told that the nominations will be everything we’ve asked for.
So here’s a few pointers to help us:
1. Ignore United’s rivals misdemeanours, the Michael Essien foul was a prime example, if it’s a team that’s challenging United leave their players well alone. It works. Let’s not forget everyone thought we’d have to punish that chap who plays for Chelsea for shooting someone. Hate to say I told you so…….
2. If the rags don’t commit an offence – CREATE ONE! Don’t forget we didn’t ban Shrek- I do like that one- from playing after he swore at the camera in the world cup did we? No.
3. Issue the orders to the relevant referees before each United game- Lee Mason wasn’t briefed fully enough on Saturday, we told him three penalties but the dozy git gave one of them to United! SMH.
4. Use the media, people! They’re all on our side! If we see a player shining for United, have a word with one of our list of contacts and get him to stick the knife in, Oliver Holt on Nani is a great example. But and this is important, number one rule applies here, I don’t want to see another John Terry scenario where the poor lad’s good name is dragged through the mud.
I hope that’s cleared everything up for everyone and believe me I don’t want to sound like I’m having a gripe because we have all put in a great effort of late, but as I said last week, we must do more!!! If I see that Serbian lifting a 19th title come May then I may just have to implement the idea of a title cap that was mentioned at the last meeting.