Date: 1st September 2011 at 3:32pm
Written by:

Paul Merson

Merson- just before he exploded

First of all, I’ve just got to say – 8-2. I won’t get bored of saying it. Arsenal surrendered quicker than the French. Piers Morgan was seen crying into his large McDonalds chocolate milkshake. It was our biggest win since the magical year of 1999 and Arsenal’s biggest loss since 1896.

All that was missing was an Anderson goal, and celebration.

Samuel Eto’o started to repay the big transfer fee and his £1,000,000,000 a week wage. He scored the equalizer in a 1-1 draw with the mighty FC Rostov after coming on as a sub. He’s only cost them roughly £22,000,000 a goal so far. They could have had Darron Gibson for less.

In other news, it was the end of the transfer window.

Harry ‘Terry Tibbs’ Redknapp was unusually quite. Despite shipping out Crouch, Hutton, Palacios, Bentley and Jenas, he only managed to reel in Scott Parker. Rumor is, Daniel Levy hid the credit cards down the back of the sofa.

Paul Merson is thought to be doing well in hospital. It is believed he almost spontaneous combusted when Arsenal signed ‘An experience centre half’ Doctors say he was only ‘A world class keeper’ away from death.

City decided to make a late move for Owen Hargreaves. With Michael Johnson loaned to Leicester City, the Manchester City physio was feeling very lonely.

Everton were probably the losers on the final day. Despite already having a rather small squad, they got rid of Beckford, Yakubu and Arteta. They did sign a striker from Argentina that nobody has ever heard of and some guy called Royston, both on loan.

Neil Warnock was a busy bee over at QPR. Spending his money quicker than Michael Carroll, he signed Ferdinand and that little guy from City. They also tried for Craig Bellamy. However, the FA intervened. Apparently with Paddy Kenny and Joey Barton already there, the Christmas parties would be too dangerous with Bellamy also there.

Speaking of Craig Bellamy, he decided to sign for Liverpool. With Raul Meireles signing for Chelsea, Liverpool were short on their Tattoo quota, so a move for Bellamy made sense. Liverpool also managed to loan Joe Cole to Lille.

Stoke were the biggest spenders on the last day of the transfer window, well, at least the tallest. They signed Peter Crouch, Wilson Palacios and Cameron Jerome. Rory Delap and his long throw are said to be delighted.

And finally. Tomorrow sees the end of Kolo Toure’s six month ban for failing a drugs a test. He says his main aim is to put Manchester United in Manchester City’s shadow. Well, it is a sunny day, and he has had to stop taking his wife’s diet pills. Most of the North West is now in his shadow.

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