A Susan Boyle fan asked me the other day if I would consider voting for Oliver Holt as Sports Writer of the year.
Well, maybe there is a way of saying this more gently but I’m not going to waste time searching for it…
I’d get my back, sack and crack waxed before I voted for Holt.
If it was a choice between him and the person who makes up the stories on Tribal Football, I’d pick the Tribal Football guy.
If it was vote Holt or watch a box-set of Manchester City’s season reviews for the past 34 seasons, I’d settle down in front of the TV (Probably not for very long admittedly) .
If John Terry said it was either put the cross by Holt or leave my Missus with him while I popped to Waitrose, I’d tell my Missus to make sure Terry wraps it.
You’re getting my drift.
Holt’s not in my top five this season. He’s not even in my top 20.
I don’t like him.
I don’t like the way he doesn’t like paragraphs.
I don’t like his ‘David Ginola on a budget’ hair cut.
I don’t like that his Mum isn’t the one who makes the Hot-pots on Corrie.
I know that, by some criteria, he has had a fine season for The Mirror. He has written some good articles, like the one about …………. erm ………….
But that’s not enough. Not when you behave the way he does. Not when you do what he did against Reading a few years back.
Not when you slag Nani off and then praise Ronaldo because he was a little bit ‘Braver’
And not when you take advantage of the general confusion between The Mirror readers who will agree with any old crap.
Holt’s at it all the time. He goes on and on like Nani killed his hamster. He waves to imaginary people to make it seem like he is loved.
And here’s the saddest thing – despite the columns and the articles, there is actually very little fact in his writing.
He writes with a scowl. He writes with anger. He writes like everyone is against him. It has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Being anti-Holt isn’t an anti-Ex Liverpool Echo writer thing. Not for me anyway.
I didn’t vote for Todd Carty on Strictly Celebrity Come Dancing On Ice for exactly the same reasons.
And, yes, I accept that England players like Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney have been guilty of making Holt look like a fool in the past.
Paul Gascoigne did his share of play-acting, too, but I came to appreciate that he was one of the best hostage negotiators since Kevin Spacey in The Negotiator.
He rode plenty of dodgy birds and he took way more punishment than an S & M addict. He was also twice the man Holt is (Real Men cry Yeah?).
It would be nice to think that Holt will change. That he will come to realise that in order to win wider respect in England, he needs to cut out some of the melodrama and cut off some of that hair.
Until that happens, he’s not in the reckoning for Sports Writer of the Year as far as I’m concerned.
My vote for best hair in the league is going to Scott Parker, for the way he has held his fringe together almost single-handedly as he fights against a centre parting.
Parker has been an inspiration at Upton Park, playing through gusty winds, even playing against Liverpool 2 days after his hair gel had run out. He has been a beacon of excellence in a struggling team.
He has given everything to the cause. He has done it without moaning and without agitating for a mohawk. He exudes class off the pitch and on it.
There are plenty of others for whom you could say the same.
My top five this season are Scott Parker, Andy Carroll, Raf-io Da Silva, David Luiz and Fabio Coloccini .
So here’s a tip for Holt. When you’re at Upton Park on Saturday, try and stay away from the mirror for a couple of minutes.
And while you’re there, take a look at how Parker goes about his hair care.
You never know, you might learn something.
Read Holt’s article here
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