Date:16th April 2014 at 8:04am
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Apart from the results, football and performances, Moyes tenure has been a success so far.

In a move destined to shake the footballing world to its very foundations, professional comedian and occasional football manager David Moyes has fined himself two weeks wages for his side’s poor performance this season.

Speaking from the lavatory cubicle at United’s Carrington, Chevrolet- the pride of Eastern Europe on Thursday night’s training ground- Moyes noted:

“They tell me this club has a great tradition of fining people, Eric Cantona, Roy Keane & Lee Sharpe. It’s a fantastic honour to be amongst such a great group of talented individuals. “

Moyes’ decision comes after the United boss decided to fine three of his players for going out on the town a mere 29 hours after the club’s Champions League exit to Bayern Munich- barely ten days before their next fixture.

“When they told me the three lads had been out and not one of them had shagged an old prostitute or even a young one for that matter, I decided it was time to act.”

Ever since Sir Alex informed Moyes he was the chosen one to take United into the toilet the former Everton boss has endured something of a torrid time. With United out of the title race by September and the signing of Marouane Fellaini the biggest waste of money since the installation of the Manchester City Museum, Moyes has been living on borrowed time.

Despite reports that Moyes had also suspended himself for two weeks, leaving Jimmy Lumsden in charge of first team matters, the manager was quick to quash such rumours.

“Jimmy’s away scouting some lad called Paul Gascoigne, he says he’s heard great things about him and could be just what the club needs. “

Ryan Giggs was unavailable for comment.